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Nice Girls Don't Watch the Bachelor
Nice Girls Don't Watch the Bachelor

Episode · 1 year ago

Episode 11: Quick Hits on Meaning & Confidence

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Today's quick hit (15 min) episode covers two things: 1. why I don't believe serving others is the key to finding purpose and meaning 2. a new personality framework for confidence and growth. 

Hey guys, it's Marissa or leadership speaker and author of Lean Out, the truth about women, power and the workplace, and welcome to episode eleven. Of Nice girls don't watch the bachelor. So today's episode was originally going to be about confidence, and we'll still talk about it, but we're going to get there towards the end of the episode and we'll get there in a pretty roundabout way, because first I want to talk about something that I was thinking about over the weekend, and it's about finding your purpose and meaning in your work and in life. I was listening to a youtube video about it when I was out for a walk. I don't even remember who it was, but what the video was, but it was. The person in it was reiterating a very common idea on how one figures out their purpose in life, and the base, the Crox of it is usually explained in a ven diagram type away. So if you imagine two circles, one of them represents your talents and passion and the other represents what the world needs or what other people...

...need, and where those two circles intersect like a ven diagram, that is your purpose. I've heard a lot of similar ideas, all which have this theme of helping or serving others as the key to finding your purpose or path, and I get it. I mean on some level it makes a lot of sense, but at the same time that's not how I've ever approached it and I don't think that would ever work for me. And I don't mean to say that the idea is invalid, it just wasn't valid for me and I've been going about it in a very different way that is working for me. So it's thinking about it over the weekend trying to figure out, like, why does this advice make sense for some and not others? So here's my theory on it, and please keep in mind this isn't like some well research thing that I spent years studying about. It's just an idea that makes sense to me. So I figured I'd put it out there see if it resonates with anyone, if there's anything to it. Before I explain what it is, I need to first take a couple steps back and explain a couple...

...ways that I see the world, or specifically people's behavior and personalities. Now there are a lot of ways to categorize personality. Y'All know I love that colors exercise, like Myers Briggs. But there's other ways of categorizing our personalities that are split into their dichotomy, like Ying Yang or you're an introvert, extrovert, or your Alpha Beta type A or be your you know, artist or businessman, your creative or linear. Now these dichotomies are usually you know, they're oversimplified because of course there aren't just two types of people in the world. There's just a helpful way to understand some particular aspect about ourselves and our personality days. And it's also not totally binary, like you're always one way or the other. But if you think about it as a continuum. So let's take the introvert extrovert example. If you think about it as the continuum and on one side extrovert, one size introvert, you fall somewhere along...

...that continuum. You're either extreme one way or the other or your kind of more toward the middle. You got it. So one category I use. I actually don't really see this. I don't know if I've ever seen it anywhere, but it's sort of something I have come up with, or maybe I did, sounding so concern like did I steal this from somebody, or is this really my own? But doesn't even matter, it's not the point. Essentially, the category I find helpful is that you're someone who's more comfortable putting your needs ahead of others, or you're someone who's more comfortable putting others, other people's needs ahead of your own. So, in a way to explain it, or is it's knowing sorry side distracted easily? There's another, another way to describe it. People who are distracted very easily. That is me, anyway. Where was I? So not only are you, if...

...you're someone that is better, you know, more comfortable putting your needs first. Putting other people's needs ahead of yours makes you uncomfortable and bye versa. And it's super important to understand that neither way is better or the other better than the other, because I know society, traditional values say that putting others needs ahead of your own is better, more courageous, but that's not true. It's an oversimplification. The ideal is the middle, the balance, because too much focus on others deteriorates your own sense of self and too much focus on yourself creates a delusional sense of who you are in your power. Neither one is necessarily good or bad to think of them as neutral. It becomes bad when you're too extreme on either side of the continuum. Okay, hopefully that's clear. I'm I'm someone that's way more comfortable putting other people's needs ahead...

...of myself, which goes down at a big slippery slope. And you have three kids and you know MOMS are also vulnerable to this. But in general, even if I wasn't a mom, I've always been vulnerable to falling prey to the whims of others and losing my sense of self and what I want in the in the process. So, with that in mind, I think because of that and how I am finding my meaning and purpose in life was really born from the courage it took to think about my own needs and what I want and putting those first for some period of time over the years. And you raising three kids, you know, single mom three. I mean, I just I had lost so much of myself over the years and that all came to a head at facebook, which is where I had that wake up call to figure out who I was and what I wanted. And when I really went deep on that, I had a lot of unmet needs emotional...

...needs, and one of them was having my voice heard you speaking and standing up and asserting my my thoughts and feelings and basically asserting my will on the world. So focusing on those, my own unmet needs, not the needs of others, is what brought me closer to that middle point or balance point along the continuum and brought my purpose more into focus or gave me the courage to start figuring out what that purpose was. So my guess is that on the flip side, for people who are the into my Yang, for people who are uncomfortable putting other people's needs ahead of their own and they feel better and more in control when their needs are being met, they're the opposite. They get toward the middle and find meeting in the opposite way by putting themselves aside and figure hearing out what ways to put others first and help other people.

Underneath it all, I think, is the idea of ego, putting your knees first more often than others, or, to the extreme, is this is more about ego than anything real. And on the flip side, when you're trying to serve other people before yourself because that makes you feel more in control, it's also a goic. It's about ego, not anything real. So the middle point is the balance and the ideal, and people get there in these two different ways, and I cared about making this point on today's episode for the following reason. People like me who cater to everyone else before themselves, and I know a lot of MOMS, this gets out of control once you have kids. I think the idea of that in order to find your purpose and meaning, that you need to focus on the needs of other people it's not only just straight up wrong, it can be more harmful than helpful. You're exacerbating the problem. So I think that people that give...

...the kind of advice about focusing on others, I think they're speaking from their own experience and it's a principle they're drawing on. That's not quite universal, but that is true for them. But there is a universal principle at work here, and it's about fear and control, and get to that in a minute, but for I explain further, I want to use some shorthand to refer to these two types because saying the words, you know, referring to them as people feel more comfortable putting others needs ahead of their own. It's just too wordy and I thought about what kind of terms to use for this in the past and maybe there's something already that exists, but for now I'm going to use green and red, since people listen to me before are familiar with that. So Greens, just tore iterate, will be people like me who are better at putting other needs ahead of their own, and reads will be people who are better at putting their needs ahead of others. Okay, so, as a green, I feel anxious when certain people don't like me...

...or disapprove of me or generally just unhappy with me. So what do I do when I'm feeling that anxiety? Well, I double down on gaining their approval and restoring the relationship. I'd like to say I used to be this way and I'm certainly a lot less like this than I used to be, but it is my default position and my growth has been about shedding this need. But we'll get to that later on. Red's on the other hand, they feel anxious when they're in the down position, when they feel at the whims of other people instead of driving the bust themselves according to their own agenda. So when they feel sort of in the down position. They feel anxious. So what do they do? They too double down on they are need to dominate and be in the UPPOSITION. Now, referring to people in this way might seem like divisive, like we're also different from different planets, but I can get demonstrates just how alike we all are, because underneath the driving...

...force for both reads and Greens is the same. It's fear. Now, different things might cause that fear, but it's fear all the same. And this is where we get to the part about confidence. True confidence is trusting oneself in the simplest terms, because when someone trusts themselves to handle life and whatever it throws at them, they will have a truthful relationship to that reality. They will acknowledge and accept the things they lack and acknowledge and honor their true strengths. So when people are insecure and they don't trust themselves, that's a lack of confidence, and it shows up into two different ways, one for reds and one for Greens. For reads, when they feel insecure, manifest as a superiority complex. So it's behaviors like boastfulness, bravado, the relentless need to have all the answers all the time and always be right. What's happening here is that the red who's feeling insecure is desperately trying to create...

...the illusion of competence, of confidence, and it's really to compensate for the fact that they don't have any. They don't trust themselves to handle change or uncertainty or anything unpredictable. So they doubled down on trying to control all elements of their environment and everyone in it. So if you don't trust yourself to handle sort of uncertainty, everything can feel like a threat. So Bravado and arrogance are almost like a shield against the unknown. If they keep talking in the meeting, don't let anyone else get a word in, they feel in control because they're not going to face a question or something that they might not know. But arrogance isn't confidence, it's really someone who, underneath is afraid and doesn't trust themselves. So whereas Red's compensate for that with the superiority complex,...

...insecure Greens show up as having an inferiority complex, because the opposite sort of false bravado is false modesty. People who see themselves as less than they truly are well, undermine themselves, refuse to take action and situations they're perfectly capable of doing so. Again, underneath, they don't trust themselves to navigate life and fulfill their own needs, so they relinquish that task to other people, and that shows up as a lack of assertiveness or being overly subservient, cutting yourself down to make others feel good. Superior or superiority and inferiority also share a commonality. They require other people because in some way you're defining yourself in relation to others, or either above or below them. The middle point is the goal, because it means you don't need others to help you define who you are. Instead of comparing yourself to other people, you're only comparing...

...yourself to your former self, and that's why growth is measured in this kind of confidence. As you grow and overcome challenges, you learn to trust yourself more and you move more toward the middle point, as you become less dependent on others and you become more self reliant. I also happen to believe the middle point is our true, authentic self. This is really just my thoughts and theories over the years, but it's the point at which we're honest with ourselves and others about who we are. People who are unapologetically themselves are those with the most confidence. So I'm going to stop here on this topic for now because I would really love to hear people's thoughts on this. It's kind of a different way of looking at it or thinking about it, and I think it's so useful in so many different ways. For example, growth. How do you measure your growth as a person? Well, a lot of times we're given sort of blanket prescriptions, one size fits all, but if...

...you think about these two different types of personality, they require very different things in order to grow. So it kind of gives you a compass, or at least some point to aim towards as the middle. There's a tons there's tons of other utilities for this kind of framework. When I was, you know, Dabbling in book too, I was trying to sort of put this together in a way that's useful for personal growth and development and wellbeing, but I've never really talked anyone about it or told anyone about it or wrote about it in any significant way. So that's why I chose it for today's podcast episode. I really have no clue if it's useful. I think it's very useful for me it. Would love to hear what you guys think if it's something that makes sense and you would want me to expand on. So I'm going to end the episode here for today. It was kind of more of a serious take today, but it's a kind of mood I'm in. Hope...

...you guys are doing well and hanging in there and staying safe, and thanks for listening to today's episode of Nice. Girls don't watch the bachelor. Hit me up on twitter, instagram at Marissa Beth or or on Linkedin. Look forward to hearing from you guys. By Bye.

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