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Nice Girls Don't Watch the Bachelor
Nice Girls Don't Watch the Bachelor

Episode · 1 year ago

Episode 11: Quick Hits on Meaning & Confidence

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Today's quick hit (15 min) episode covers two things: 1. why I don't believe serving others is the key to finding purpose and meaning 2. a new personality framework for confidence and growth. 

Hey guys, it's Marissa or leadershipspeaker and author of Lean Out, the truth about women, power and theworkplace, and welcome to episode eleven. Of Nice girls don't watch the bachelor. So today's episode was originally going to be about confidence, and we'll stilltalk about it, but we're going to get there towards the end of theepisode and we'll get there in a pretty roundabout way, because first I wantto talk about something that I was thinking about over the weekend, and it'sabout finding your purpose and meaning in your work and in life. I waslistening to a youtube video about it when I was out for a walk.I don't even remember who it was, but what the video was, butit was. The person in it was reiterating a very common idea on howone figures out their purpose in life, and the base, the Crox ofit is usually explained in a ven diagram type away. So if you imaginetwo circles, one of them represents your talents and passion and the other representswhat the world needs or what other people...

...need, and where those two circlesintersect like a ven diagram, that is your purpose. I've heard a lotof similar ideas, all which have this theme of helping or serving others asthe key to finding your purpose or path, and I get it. I meanon some level it makes a lot of sense, but at the sametime that's not how I've ever approached it and I don't think that would everwork for me. And I don't mean to say that the idea is invalid, it just wasn't valid for me and I've been going about it in avery different way that is working for me. So it's thinking about it over theweekend trying to figure out, like, why does this advice make sense forsome and not others? So here's my theory on it, and pleasekeep in mind this isn't like some well research thing that I spent years studyingabout. It's just an idea that makes sense to me. So I figuredI'd put it out there see if it resonates with anyone, if there's anythingto it. Before I explain what it is, I need to first takea couple steps back and explain a couple...

...ways that I see the world,or specifically people's behavior and personalities. Now there are a lot of ways tocategorize personality. Y'All know I love that colors exercise, like Myers Briggs.But there's other ways of categorizing our personalities that are split into their dichotomy,like Ying Yang or you're an introvert, extrovert, or your Alpha Beta typeA or be your you know, artist or businessman, your creative or linear. Now these dichotomies are usually you know, they're oversimplified because of course there aren'tjust two types of people in the world. There's just a helpful wayto understand some particular aspect about ourselves and our personality days. And it's alsonot totally binary, like you're always one way or the other. But ifyou think about it as a continuum. So let's take the introvert extrovert example. If you think about it as the continuum and on one side extrovert,one size introvert, you fall somewhere along...

...that continuum. You're either extreme oneway or the other or your kind of more toward the middle. You gotit. So one category I use. I actually don't really see this.I don't know if I've ever seen it anywhere, but it's sort of somethingI have come up with, or maybe I did, sounding so concern likedid I steal this from somebody, or is this really my own? Butdoesn't even matter, it's not the point. Essentially, the category I find helpfulis that you're someone who's more comfortable putting your needs ahead of others,or you're someone who's more comfortable putting others, other people's needs ahead of your own. So, in a way to explain it, or is it's knowingsorry side distracted easily? There's another, another way to describe it. Peoplewho are distracted very easily. That is me, anyway. Where was I? So not only are you, if...

...you're someone that is better, youknow, more comfortable putting your needs first. Putting other people's needs ahead of yoursmakes you uncomfortable and bye versa. And it's super important to understand thatneither way is better or the other better than the other, because I knowsociety, traditional values say that putting others needs ahead of your own is better, more courageous, but that's not true. It's an oversimplification. The ideal isthe middle, the balance, because too much focus on others deteriorates yourown sense of self and too much focus on yourself creates a delusional sense ofwho you are in your power. Neither one is necessarily good or bad tothink of them as neutral. It becomes bad when you're too extreme on eitherside of the continuum. Okay, hopefully that's clear. I'm I'm someone that'sway more comfortable putting other people's needs ahead...

...of myself, which goes down ata big slippery slope. And you have three kids and you know MOMS arealso vulnerable to this. But in general, even if I wasn't a mom,I've always been vulnerable to falling prey to the whims of others and losingmy sense of self and what I want in the in the process. So, with that in mind, I think because of that and how I amfinding my meaning and purpose in life was really born from the courage it tookto think about my own needs and what I want and putting those first forsome period of time over the years. And you raising three kids, youknow, single mom three. I mean, I just I had lost so muchof myself over the years and that all came to a head at facebook, which is where I had that wake up call to figure out who Iwas and what I wanted. And when I really went deep on that,I had a lot of unmet needs emotional...

...needs, and one of them washaving my voice heard you speaking and standing up and asserting my my thoughts andfeelings and basically asserting my will on the world. So focusing on those,my own unmet needs, not the needs of others, is what brought mecloser to that middle point or balance point along the continuum and brought my purposemore into focus or gave me the courage to start figuring out what that purposewas. So my guess is that on the flip side, for people whoare the into my Yang, for people who are uncomfortable putting other people's needsahead of their own and they feel better and more in control when their needsare being met, they're the opposite. They get toward the middle and findmeeting in the opposite way by putting themselves aside and figure hearing out what waysto put others first and help other people.

Underneath it all, I think,is the idea of ego, putting your knees first more often than others, or, to the extreme, is this is more about ego than anythingreal. And on the flip side, when you're trying to serve other peoplebefore yourself because that makes you feel more in control, it's also a goic. It's about ego, not anything real. So the middle point is the balanceand the ideal, and people get there in these two different ways,and I cared about making this point on today's episode for the following reason.People like me who cater to everyone else before themselves, and I know alot of MOMS, this gets out of control once you have kids. Ithink the idea of that in order to find your purpose and meaning, thatyou need to focus on the needs of other people it's not only just straightup wrong, it can be more harmful than helpful. You're exacerbating the problem. So I think that people that give...

...the kind of advice about focusing onothers, I think they're speaking from their own experience and it's a principle they'redrawing on. That's not quite universal, but that is true for them.But there is a universal principle at work here, and it's about fear andcontrol, and get to that in a minute, but for I explain further, I want to use some shorthand to refer to these two types because sayingthe words, you know, referring to them as people feel more comfortable puttingothers needs ahead of their own. It's just too wordy and I thought aboutwhat kind of terms to use for this in the past and maybe there's somethingalready that exists, but for now I'm going to use green and red,since people listen to me before are familiar with that. So Greens, justtore iterate, will be people like me who are better at putting other needsahead of their own, and reads will be people who are better at puttingtheir needs ahead of others. Okay, so, as a green, Ifeel anxious when certain people don't like me...

...or disapprove of me or generally justunhappy with me. So what do I do when I'm feeling that anxiety?Well, I double down on gaining their approval and restoring the relationship. I'dlike to say I used to be this way and I'm certainly a lot lesslike this than I used to be, but it is my default position andmy growth has been about shedding this need. But we'll get to that later on. Red's on the other hand, they feel anxious when they're in thedown position, when they feel at the whims of other people instead of drivingthe bust themselves according to their own agenda. So when they feel sort of inthe down position. They feel anxious. So what do they do? Theytoo double down on they are need to dominate and be in the UPPOSITION. Now, referring to people in this way might seem like divisive, likewe're also different from different planets, but I can get demonstrates just how alikewe all are, because underneath the driving...

...force for both reads and Greens isthe same. It's fear. Now, different things might cause that fear,but it's fear all the same. And this is where we get to thepart about confidence. True confidence is trusting oneself in the simplest terms, becausewhen someone trusts themselves to handle life and whatever it throws at them, theywill have a truthful relationship to that reality. They will acknowledge and accept the thingsthey lack and acknowledge and honor their true strengths. So when people areinsecure and they don't trust themselves, that's a lack of confidence, and itshows up into two different ways, one for reds and one for Greens.For reads, when they feel insecure, manifest as a superiority complex. Soit's behaviors like boastfulness, bravado, the relentless need to have all the answersall the time and always be right. What's happening here is that the redwho's feeling insecure is desperately trying to create...

...the illusion of competence, of confidence, and it's really to compensate for the fact that they don't have any.They don't trust themselves to handle change or uncertainty or anything unpredictable. So theydoubled down on trying to control all elements of their environment and everyone in it. So if you don't trust yourself to handle sort of uncertainty, everything canfeel like a threat. So Bravado and arrogance are almost like a shield againstthe unknown. If they keep talking in the meeting, don't let anyone elseget a word in, they feel in control because they're not going to facea question or something that they might not know. But arrogance isn't confidence,it's really someone who, underneath is afraid and doesn't trust themselves. So whereasRed's compensate for that with the superiority complex,...

...insecure Greens show up as having aninferiority complex, because the opposite sort of false bravado is false modesty.People who see themselves as less than they truly are well, undermine themselves,refuse to take action and situations they're perfectly capable of doing so. Again,underneath, they don't trust themselves to navigate life and fulfill their own needs,so they relinquish that task to other people, and that shows up as a lackof assertiveness or being overly subservient, cutting yourself down to make others feelgood. Superior or superiority and inferiority also share a commonality. They require otherpeople because in some way you're defining yourself in relation to others, or eitherabove or below them. The middle point is the goal, because it meansyou don't need others to help you define who you are. Instead of comparingyourself to other people, you're only comparing...

...yourself to your former self, andthat's why growth is measured in this kind of confidence. As you grow andovercome challenges, you learn to trust yourself more and you move more toward themiddle point, as you become less dependent on others and you become more selfreliant. I also happen to believe the middle point is our true, authenticself. This is really just my thoughts and theories over the years, butit's the point at which we're honest with ourselves and others about who we are. People who are unapologetically themselves are those with the most confidence. So I'mgoing to stop here on this topic for now because I would really love tohear people's thoughts on this. It's kind of a different way of looking atit or thinking about it, and I think it's so useful in so manydifferent ways. For example, growth. How do you measure your growth asa person? Well, a lot of times we're given sort of blanket prescriptions, one size fits all, but if...

...you think about these two different typesof personality, they require very different things in order to grow. So itkind of gives you a compass, or at least some point to aim towardsas the middle. There's a tons there's tons of other utilities for this kindof framework. When I was, you know, Dabbling in book too,I was trying to sort of put this together in a way that's useful forpersonal growth and development and wellbeing, but I've never really talked anyone about itor told anyone about it or wrote about it in any significant way. Sothat's why I chose it for today's podcast episode. I really have no clueif it's useful. I think it's very useful for me it. Would loveto hear what you guys think if it's something that makes sense and you wouldwant me to expand on. So I'm going to end the episode here fortoday. It was kind of more of a serious take today, but it'sa kind of mood I'm in. Hope...

...you guys are doing well and hangingin there and staying safe, and thanks for listening to today's episode of Nice. Girls don't watch the bachelor. Hit me up on twitter, instagram atMarissa Beth or or on Linkedin. Look forward to hearing from you guys.By Bye.

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