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Nice Girls Don't Watch the Bachelor
Nice Girls Don't Watch the Bachelor

Episode · 11 months ago

Episode 11: Quick Hits on Meaning & Confidence

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Today's quick hit (15 min) episode covers two things: 1. why I don't believe serving others is the key to finding purpose and meaning 2. a new personality framework for confidence and growth. 

Hey guys its Marissa or leadership,speaker and author of Leanout, the truth about women, power and theworkplace and welcome to episode eleven of Nice. Girls don't watch the bachelor,so today's episode was originally going to be about confidence and we'll stilltalk about it, but we're going to get there towards the end of the episodeand well get there in a pretty roundabout way. Because first I want totalk about something that I was thinking about over the weekend andit's about finding your purpose and meaning in your work and in life. I waslistening to a youtube video about it. When I was out for a walk, I don't evenremember who it was but or what the video was. But it was the person in itwas reiterating a very common idea on how one figures out their purpose inlife and the Basi. The crox of it is usually explained in aven diagram typeof way. So if you imagine two circles, one of them represents your talents andpassion and the other represents what the world needs or what other peopleneed and where those two circles...

...inersect like a vendiagram. That isyour purpose. I've heard a lot of similar ideas, all which had this themeof helping or serving others as the key to finding your purpose or path, and I get it I mean on some level. Itmakes a lot of sense, but at the same time that's not how I've everapproached it, and I don't think that would ever work for me and I don't needto say that the ideais invalid it just wasn't valid for me, and I've beengoing about it in a very different way. That is working for me, so ias thinkingabout it over the weekend, trying to figure out like why does this advicemake sense for some and not others? So here's my theory on it and please keepin mind this isn't like some well researchd thing that I spent yearsstudying about it's just an idea that makes sense to me. So I figured I'd,put it out there see if it resonates with anyone. If there's anything to itbefore I explain what it is. I need to first take a couple of steps back andexplain a couple ways that I see the...

...world or specifically people's behaviorand personalities. Now there are a lot of ways to categorize personality.Y'All know I love that colors exercise, like my airs brigs, but there's otherways of categorizing our personalities that are split into their eicotomy,like yen, Yang or you're, an introvert extrovert, or your Alpha Baito type, aor B your you know, artist or businessman your creative or linear.Now these dicotomies are usually you know, they're over simplified, becauseof course, there aren't just two types of people in the world. There's just ahelpful way to understand some particular aspect about ourselves andour personalities, and it's also not totally binary like you're, always oneway or the other, but if you think about it as a continuum, so let's takethe Introverte extrovert example. If you think about it as to continue emand on one side, extrovert one size...

...introver, you fall somewhere along thatcontinue an you're either extreme one way or the other you're kind of moretoward the middle. You got it so one category I use. I actually don't really see this. Idon't know if I've ever seen it anywhere, but it's sort of something I have come up with, or maybe I did somelike so concerned. Like did I steal this from somebody? ORS Is really myown, but it doesn't even matter it's not the point. Essentially, thecategory I find helpful is that you're someone who's more comfortable, puttingyour deens ahead of others or you're someone who's more comfortable, puttingothers other people's needs ahead of your own, so in a way to explain it orits O, it's snowing, Verry, sid distracted, easily, there'sanother another way to describe it, people who are distracted very easily.That is me anyway. Where was I? So? Not...

...only are you if you're someone that isbetter, you know more comfortable, putting your needs first, putting otherpeople's needs ahead of yours makes you uncomfortable and vice versa, and it'ssuper important to understand that neither way is better or the otherbetter than the other, because I know society, traditional values say thatputting others needs ahead of your own is better more courageous, but that'snot true. It's an over simplification. The ideal is the middle. The balance,because too much focus on others deteriorates your own sense of self andtoo much focus on yourself creates a delusional sense of who you are in yourpower. Neither one is necessarily good or bad to think of them as neutral. Itbecomes bad when you're too extreme on either side of the continuum. Okay,hopefly, that's clear: I'm I'm someone that's way morecomfortable, putting other people's...

...needs ahead of myself, which goes downa big slippery slope when you have three kids and you know, MOMS are alsovulnerable to this, but in general, even if I wasn't a mom, I've alwaysbeen vulnerable to falling prey to the whims of others and losing my sense ofself and what I want in the in the process, so withthaut admine. I think because ofthat and how I am finding my meaning and purpose in life was really bornfrom the courage it took to think about my own needs and what I want andputting those first for some period of time over the years and you ow raisingthree kids. You know single mom. Three I mean I just I had lost so much ofmyself over the years and that all came to a head at facebook, which is where Ihad that wakeup call to figure out who I was and what I wanted and when Ireally...

...went deep on that. I had a lot of unmetneeds, emotional needs, and one of them was having my voice heard. You knowspeaking and standing up and asserting my my thoughts and feelings and basically asserting my will on theworld so focusing on those. My own unmet needs, not the needs of others iswhat brought me closer to that middle point or balance point along thecontinuum and brought my purpose more into focusor gave me the courage to start figuring out what that purpose was. So my guess is that on the flipside forpeople who are the into Myyang for people who are uncomfortable, puttingother people's needs ahead of their own and they feel better and more incontrol when their needs are being met, they're the opposite: they get towardthe middle and find meeting. I the opposite way by putting themselvesaside and figuring out what ways to put others first and help other peopleunderneath that all I think, is the...

...idea of ego, putting your knees first,more often than others or to the extreme is. This is more about ego thananything real and on the flip side, when you're trying to serve otherpeople before yourself, because that makes you feel more in control. It'salso a Goik. It's about ego, not anything real. So the middle point isthe balance and the ideal and people get there in these two different ways,and I cared about making this point on today's episode for the followingreason: People like me, who cater to everyone else before themselves- and Iknow a lot of MOMS- just gets out of control ence, you have kids. I thinkthe idea that, in order to find your purpose in and meaning that you need tofocus on the needs of other people, it's not only just straight up wrong.It can be more harmful than helpful your exacerbating the problem. So Ithink that people that give the kind of...

...advice about focusing on others, Ithink they're speaking from their own experience and it's a principle they'redrawing on that's not quite universal, but thatit's true for them. But there is a universal principle atwork here and it's about fear and control and I'll get to that in aminute. But for I explain further, I want to use some short hand to refer tothese two types because saying the words you know referring to them aspeople feel more comfortable, putting others needs ahead of their own. It'sjust too wordy, and I thought about what kind of termsto use for this in the past and maybe there's something already that exists,but for now I'm going to use green and red since people listen to you beforeare familiar with that. So Greens, just three at or eight will be people likeme, who are better at putting other needs ahead of their own and reds, willbe people who are better a putting their needs ahead of others. Okay, soas agreeing I feel anxious when certain...

...people don't like me or disapprove ofme or generally just unhappy with me. So what do I do when I'm feeling thatanxiety? Well, I double down on geiting their approval and restoring therelationship. I'd like to say, I used to be this way and I'm certainly a lotless like this than I used to be, but it is my default position and my growthhas been about shedding this knee, but we'll get to that later on reds. On the other hand, they feelanxious, when they're in the down position when they feel at the whims ofother people, instead of driving the bust themselves according to their ownagenda. So when they feel sort of in the down position, they feel anxious.So what do they do? They too double down on? They R need to dominate and be inthe UPPOSITION. Now referring to people in this way, t might seem like devisivelike we're, also different from different planets, but I think itdemonstrates just how alike we all are, because underneath the driving forcefor both reds and Greens is the same,...

...it's fear now different things mightcause that fear, but it's fear all the same, and this is where we get to thepart about confidence. True confidence is trusting oneself inthe simplest terms, because when someone trust themselves to handle lifeand whatever throws at them, they will have a truthful relationshipto that reality. They will acknowledge and accept the things they lack and itacknowledge and honor their true strengths. So when people are insecureand they don't trust themselves, that's a lack of confidence and it shows upinto two different ways: one for reds and one for Greens for reds when theyfeel insecure. Manifest is a superiority complex. So it's behavior'slike boastfulness bravado. The relentless need to have all the answers,all the time and always be right, what's happening here- is that the redwho's feeling insecure is desperately...

...trying to create the illusion of competof confidence, and it's really to compensate for the fact that they don'thave any. They don't trust themselves to handle change or uncertaint oranything unpredictable, so they doubled down on trying to control all elementsof their environment and everyone in it. So if you don't trust yourself tohandll sort of uncertainty, everything can feel like athreat. So Bravado and arrogance are almost like a shield against theunknown. If they keep talking in the meeting, don't let anyone else get award in they feel in control because they're not going to face a question orsomething that they might not know. But arrogance isn't confidence, it'sreally someone who underneath is afraid and doesn't trust themselves. So, whereas reds compensate for thatwith a superiority, complex, insecure...

Greens show up as having an inferioritycomplex because the opposite sort of false a bravado is false modesty.People who see themselves as less than they truly are but undermine themselves,refuse to take action and situations they're perfectly capable of doing soagain, underneath they don't trust themselves to navigate life and fulfiltheir own needs. So they relinquish that task to other people and thatshows up as a lack of assertiveness or being overly subservient, cuttingyourself down to make others feel good superior superiority and inferiorityalso share common nality. They require other people because in some way you'redefining yourself in relation to others or either above or below them. Themiddle point is the goal, because it means you don't need others to help.You define who you are instead of...

...comparing yourself to other peopleyou're only comparing yourself to your former self and that's why growth ismeasured in this kind of confidence as you grow and overcome challenges, youlearn to trust yourself more and you move more toward the middle point asyou become less dependent on others, and you become more self reliant. Ialso Havpeen to believe the middle point is our true, authentic self. Thisis really just my thoughts and theories over the years, but it's the point atwhich we're honest with ourselves and others about who we are. People who areunapologetically themselves are those with the most confidence. So I'm going to stop here on this topicfor now, because I would really love to hear people's thoughts on this. It'skind of a different way of looking at it or thinking about it, and I thinkit's so useful in so many different ways, for example, growth. How do you measure your growth?Is a person well a lot of times we're...

...given sort of blanket prescriptions?One size fits all, but if you think about these two different types ofpersonality, they require very different things in order to grow. Soit kind of gives you a compass, or at least some point to aim tours as themiddle there's a ton there's tons of other utilities for this kind of framework.When I was you know, Dabbly in book to, I was trying to sort of put thistogether in a way that's useful for personal growth and development andwell being, but I've never really talked to anyone about it or toldanyone about it ar wroate about it in any significant way. So that's why Ichose it for today's podcast episode. I really have no clue if it's useful, Ithink it's very useful for me would love to hear what you guys think ifit's something that makes sense- and you would want me to expand on so I'mgoing to end. The episode here for today was kind of more of a serioustake today, but t's. The kind of mood,...

I'm in hope you guys, are doing welland hanging in there and staying safe, and thanks for listening to today'sepisode of Nice Girls, don't watch the bachelor hit me up on twitter,instagram at Maurissa Bethor or on Linkedin. Look forward to hearing fromyou guys, bye, bye,.

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